i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
wow bdsm is so cute
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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