Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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