I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
