my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
