My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
