I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
