Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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