Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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