you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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