Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
