i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
