just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My vagina just clenched in fear
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