Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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