Just took my morning after pill in the library
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out