I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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