My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
