I faked an abortion last night.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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