I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
