just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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