you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
