Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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