Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
