When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you have to choose: penises or morals?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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