If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
