i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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