Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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