I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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