Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
