Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
