I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
