If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
