im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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