Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
