I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
