remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
