I'm lost and stupid without you.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
