i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
