if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
