A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
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Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I FOUND THE LEGS
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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