it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
