i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
