I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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