1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
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Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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