I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
