I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
