Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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