oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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