A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
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What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
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I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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