My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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