glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
