i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
