How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
