how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
