She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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