i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
