Quick, to the slutcave!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
