He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
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He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
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I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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