Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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